The weather is changing…… or is it? Are we going back to winter, forward to spring, or are we just in the middle of a crazy, mood swinging, temperature changing, cool and still, passionately abundant time of year?
The other day I sat amongst the trees. The was sun shining above, the warm soft earth underneath, it felt like everything was possible and good. So easy to feel life. My life and the life of the forest around me. Another day, it’s raining and cold and I’m not sure I want to go out.
A bit confusing, really. Aren’t I supposed to feel good? All the time? A question I long grappled with, glomming onto Cinderella and the North American dream. If I try hard enough, I’ll get rewarded, right? I thought by doing everything right I should feel good. All the time.
In psychology, it’s considered a sign of maturity when a child can be aware of differing conflicting emotions at the same time. Like “I’m angry and want to hurt you but I also love you and don’t want to hurt you”. It’s often the same when our bodies heal. Instead of pushing out the bad, and straining to conjure good, healing often happens when we are able to be with the uncomfortable parts of ourselves while at the same time experiencing an “okness”, a degree of safety. Sometimes healing is quick, sometimes not so much. Sometimes healing just feels good. Sometimes it’s a slower deepening into ourselves, becoming more “OK” with the swirling and spectacular variety of emotions and experiences that make us human, that make up life.
Back in the forest, from the warm earth I pick up a piece of bark, slowly decomposing. As I lift it, clouds of spores waft around me filling my nose and lungs. I look around. The air is visibly full through the sun’s rays. Earth, fungus, pollen, tree particulate, and stardust filling the space. We are made of the earth and the stars, all at once.
Something clicks. It’s everything, all at once. I don’t need to push something away. Decide what I can and cannot take in. From the air, from life. I can just be me. Be myself, connecting to the breathing in, breathing out craziness of spring life and death and transformation that is taking place all around and in me. Joy and sadness, loss and love, old and new. Living with my arms wide open, in moments.
This is my story, right now, this spring. One thing I’m learning, we were never meant to live someone else’s life. We are meant to learn from each other, be inspired by each other, we heal in each other’s presence. I have had seasons where I could not be with everything at once. Some seasons are downright overwhelming, some are wonderful, and some in between. There are so many stories. What is your story, right now? Your season?